Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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