You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
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we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
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Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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