Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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