mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Randomize
