Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
