My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
