dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
