I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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