new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
