He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Found your dick twin last night
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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