the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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