My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
