I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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