thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
