im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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