I'm pants shitting drunk right now
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
