I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
