No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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