my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
