I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
