he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
