I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
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DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize