I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
