Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
