Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I didn't notice because vodka
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
