When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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