peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
