i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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