someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
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I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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