I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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