dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
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Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
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I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.