he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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