I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
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Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
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He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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