guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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