Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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