my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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