I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Apparently you make a good broom.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My dick has a subreddit
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
