she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
