That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
