either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
