remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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