If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
