Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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