when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
