I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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