Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
