I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
