You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
