i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
