my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
