Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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