I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
