i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
we're making bets on your personal life
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
