I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
