Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
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