Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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